A Goat Walked Into a Store
INT. OFF-LICENSE STORE - NIGHT
FRANCIS - a raccoon with horns dressed with the store's uniform is staying behind till seemingly bored as hell. He keeps looking at the clock on the till’s monitor and releases a desperate sigh.
The door opens with a ring and the goat GREGG enters. He has small feathery wings popping out from the back of his leather jacket.
GREGG
Are you closed?
FRANCIS
Does it seem closed?
GREGG
[chuckles]
I mean… I entered, didn't I?
FRANCIS
[rolls eyes]
How can I help you, sir?
GREGG ignores the question, leans on the counter and looks around the store. He hums a melody and pops a gum in his mouth.
GREGG
You know, this reminds me of a joke I heard recently. A donkey, a nun and a baby walked into a bar…
FRANCIS
[thinking]
What’s up with this guy… is he high? Do I have to kick him out?
GREGG (CONT’D)
… and then the nun says:-
FRANCIS
[interrupts]
Do you wish to buy anything?
PUSH IN: GREGG smiles mysteriously while carefully looking around making sure that no one else is listening.
GREGG
I wish to go to the boiler room.
FRANCIS
A-are you from maintenance?
GREGG
I’m from here. I live in the same building.
GREGG pulls out a badge.
ANGLE ON:
It’s a badge with nothing else besides the name “GREGG” on it.
FRANCIS
[laughs nervously]
So you’re here to do a water check? That’s why you asked if we were closed, huh?
GREGG shrugs.
ANGLE ON:
FRANCIS locks the store.
INT. STAIRCASE SPIRALING DOWNWARDS
FRANCIS leads GREGG down a staircase. GREGG doesn’t bother using the stairs and just flies behind FRANCIS.
FRANCIS
[thinking]
What am I doing with this weirdo here? Is he actually from maintenance? I should’ve called the manager…
INT. BOILER ROOM
FRANCIS and GREGG stand before the huge boiler. There are violent thumping sounds coming from within as if something is trying to escape.
FRANCIS squints and while trying to figure out what is the source of the sound GREGG flies up to the center of the boiler, pulls out a mini chainsaw from his pocket and begins cutting the metal. After a few seconds water floods the basement.
FRANCIS
[yelling annoyed while unsuccessfully trying to plug the holes in the boiler with both hands]
Aaaw, maaan! I’m so fired!
GREGG finishes cutting a huge hole in the boiler. He flies above the water unbothered. The goat takes a plastic bag out of his pocket and begins scooping out the water in the bag. He finally stops and raises the bag on the level of his eyes. He smiles and his horizontal pupils dilate.
ANGLE ON:
There’s a GOLDEN PIRANHA with a small ribbon swimming in the plastic bag. A bubble with the words “TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH.” pops out of its mouth.
FRANCIS stares at this scene shocked and before saying anything a powerful blast followed by a fast current drags him, GREGG and GOLDEN PIRANHA out of the boiler room.
EXT. OFF-LICENSE STORE’S STREET
The shop windows shatter and the mighty current spits out FRANCIS, GREGG and GOLDEN PIRANHA (still held by GREGG)on the pavement.
GREGG happily hugs the plastic bag with the fish. FRANCIS coughs water.
FRANCIS
[coughing]
What the fuck, man?!
GREGG
I’m sorry! We were having a bath together, things got heated and I accidentally dropped her in the canal…
GOLDEN PIRANHA
[popping out bubbles with text]
NOT THE FIRST TIME.
FRANCIS drains his soaked uniform and shakes his fur. He sighs, accepting the situation.
GREGG
[puts a hand on his shoulder]
I know you might get fired… let me make it up for you…
FRANCIS
Nah, man. Hated this job anyways. This is the most exciting thing that has happened to me for a long time.
GREGG
I can offer you a new job… wanna discuss it over dinner?
FRANCIS
[shrugs]
My shift’s over and you live in this building anyways. Okay.
PULL BACK: The two figures walk to the entrance of the building. Only one street lamp works and the neighborhood seems empty and shady.
FRANCIS [VO]
You didn’t finish the joke about the nun…
GREGG [VO]
I forgot the punchline.
[END CREDITS]
